Happy Thanksgiving

Why are they playing Christmas music, it’s not even Thanksgiving yet!

I’m sure you’ve heard it. Of course, they are referring to the music played in stores and malls and played over the radio.

This is Joe’s reply.

First of all, if it bothers you so much, feel free to move past the 6th century BC, and do your shopping online. But that’s an article for another time.

Fact #1: Christmas is exponentially better than Thanksgiving

Imagine a tag team wrestling match. In one corner you have a turkey for dinner and a parade that people pretend to watch. In the other corner, Santa and Jesus. We’re talking about Jesus Christ and Santa Claus versus a parade and a turkey. Who wins that fight?

Let’s take a look at the schools. Students get two days off for Thanksgiving. Really, I’d say they get one day for Thanksgiving and one day for Black Friday, which I regard as a separate and superior holiday. How much time do the children get for Christmas? Three to four weeks off, it’s not even close!

On a side note, being a teacher sounds like the cushiest job in the world.

There was a movie in the 90’s called I’ll be home for Christmas. It’s about a kid trying to get home for Christmas, and all these things happen, preventing him from making it home on time. It’s a touching story about the kid and his family.

Well I’m making a new movie. It’s called I’ll be home for Thanksgiving. When he finally gets home and tells his family all the trouble he went through to get there, his mother says, “That sounds like a lot of effort. Maybe you should have waited until Christmas.”

I’m also writing a story called A Thanksgiving Carol. Bob Cratchit decides to work overtime through Thanksgiving for some extra coin, finds a discounted crutch on Black Friday, and gives it Tiny Tim for Christmas.

Fact #2: Nobody cares about Thanksgiving

I need you to be honest here, how much do you really care about Thanksgiving?

I get it, it’s a fun day. You get to be lazy, watch football, and eat a bunch of food. But just how much time are you spending preparing for Thanksgiving? Do you spend a solid weekend decorating your house, inside and outside, with Thanksgiving decorations? Do you spend weeks or months going Thanksgiving gift shopping? Do you put on your favorite Thanksgiving music to get in the Thanksgiving spirit?

Or more likely, do you just go to the grocery store on Wednesday? Oh no, your Wednesday Walmart run was RUINED by the fun Christmas music.

Fact #3: Science proves Thanksgiving is overrated

93% of scientists agree with the following list.

Joe’s Ultimate Holiday Power Ranking

  1. Christmas
  2. Easter
  3. 4th of July
  4. New Year’s Eve & Day
  5. Black Friday
  6. WrestleMania Sunday
  7. Halloween
  8. Yom Kippur
  9. Prime Day
  10. Move clocks back day
  11. Thanksgiving
  12. St. Patrick’s Day
  13. MLK Day
  14. Memorial Day

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Then let’s get back to Christmas.