The Sins of Christmas

Some may disagree, and they are wrong, but we’ve officially entered the Christmas season.

Aside from being the best holiday, Christmas is also a magical time of year. The lights, decorations, snow, and Christmas cheer make is seem like the whole world is putting on a show for you. Unfortunately, while sometimes you get Black Hamilton, other times you get a 2nd grade production of Cats

I present to you Joe’s least favorite things about Christmas.

Frosty the Snowman

The first red flag is Frosty’s troubling anatomy. He has snow legs instead of a big bottom ball. Where did his bottom ball go? Joe want to know. And instead of having little stick arms (like a Crossfitter), he also has big snow arms that hang down from his shoulders. This snowman is impossible to build and would immediately become a quadruple amputee.

That the magician is a mean old man is irrelevant; the hat is stolen property, and the kids belong in jail. 

Rudolph

He was born a loser and will die a loser.

Almost every image of Santa riding his sleigh has eight reindeer, those being Dancer, Prancer, and the crew. In fact, the only time you see Rudolph at the head is in the Rudolph story.

It’s clear what happened. The eight cool reindeer needed help one Christmas Eve and used “The Loser” Rudolph. They told him he was special and the best reindeer, then dumped him in Siberia when the fog cleared.

We, like Santa, should abandon Rudolph immediately.

So Many Terrible Songs

Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

Obviously.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Yet another example of kids ruining everything.

Wonderful Christmastime

Paul McCartney is an overrated hack, as is every group he’s been in.

Santa Baby

There is nothing entertaining about a pathetic single middle aged woman’s sexual fantasies. I also don’t want to hear a song about Dancer, Prancer, or her other six cats.

Baby it’s Cold Outside

Not because of the date rape, just not a good song.


Don’t let these Christmas turds get you down too much. After all, the Christmas season halftime break will be here soon, when you can spend two days eating, shopping, and avoiding Christmas altogether.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *